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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.